This is the post I've been dreading, the post I have rewritten over and over again, in some therapeutic way, only to have my eyes burn too much to continue.  With blogging comes an openness, a need to share both the happy and heart aching moments of our lives.  I am still getting use to this.  I still find it difficult at times and today I find it heart wrenching and soothing all at once.

On Saturday morning our sweet boy Gage passed away.  We have had heavy hearts over the last month when it comes to our first baby and his state of wellbeing.  Slowly over the last year his physical condition has been fading and his hip dysplasia has become increasingly worse.  We knew it was only a matter of time before we would have to make one of the most difficult decisions we've ever been faced with and say goodbye, but that choice never came.

Friday night he ate a huge meal, a busy bone, and drank two bowls of water which has been quite unusual for him as of late.  We went to bed thrilled with his increased appetite and happy disposition.  At about 2 AM I could hear him fidgeting and got up to check on him.  I knew something wasn't right and woke CR.  We sat with him, comforted him, and stroked him until he had laid his head down to go back to sleep and when we woke a couple hours later he was gone.  

I feel like the days that have followed have been a blur of mixed emotions.  Gratitude for the fact that he was able to go on his own terms; in our home, with his family, but resent and anger towards no one I can seem to blame.  He was our baby.  His was born right around the time of our first date and two months later he was there for our first Christmas morning, as not just a couple, but a little family.  For the last almost 11 years he has been the center of our lives, our hearts, and our future and now I just don't see it like I use to.  I just can't imagine not waking to those big brown eyes or that wagging nub of a tail.  

I am not sure what this means for our little family or what the future holds for us, but we have found great comfort in holding one another, snuggling into 'Mani, and reflecting on all the wonderful moments we had when our family was whole.  We so greatly appreciate all the wishes of strength, healing, and love, you have sent us in this difficult time.  They mean so much to us all.

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