As the days, the weeks, and the months go by I feel more and more socially disabled. Like my ability to interact with other peoples is becoming more and more crippled, strained, and to be quite frank, unnatural. Like I needed any assistance being even more awkward! But so it is, the thing I crave the most is the one thing I feel so incapable of participating in. There are many a times I find myself thinking; "Come on! Just say something!", "Wow, are you just really going to stand there like a deer in headlights?", or "Oh no, you did not just say that!". But so it is. I stand there, like some ghostly illusion of a human being, craving to be involved, only to blurt out something reprehensible like "tee hee"! How says that?! Someone that writes one too many emails... that's who!
I don't believe we were designed to be solitary creatures. Every ounce of our being yearns for some sort of connect with members of our like species. Whether it be a romantic relationship, a friendly companionship, or a nurturing arrangement we need that connection to feel complete. Without it we simply do not feel whole. We begin to loss our connect to reality, itself, and the meaning of our own existence within it.
There are many days were I am left here, lost in my own empty monotonous thoughts, pondering life and it's meaning only to look up and realize my day is but gone. It's not that I am sad or depressed just disconnected. The best way I can explain it is to imagine you were to cover up all of the windows and doors to prevent any light from entering then live like that. You begin to loss sight of life, reality, existence, and begin to feel like a day has no end nor a beginning.
I guess human interaction is like a vitamin. A form of nutrients our bodies need to function properly in our day to day activities and without it our bodies shut down. Sorry if this sounds sad or depressing. I am not meaning to be either, although as I type it, does sound slightly pathetic! It is more a personal evaluation of a situation most long for. I guess it goes to show you there is not perfect job, no perfect life, no perfect world. Everything that has light must have a shadow. It is the balance of life I guess. Isolation is a funny thing.
Love & Lollies...